het·er·o·nor·ma·tive
/ˌhedərōˈnôrmədiv/adjective:
denoting or relating to a world view that promotes heterosexuality as the normal or preferred sexual orientation.
Beyond just sexual orientation this extends into gay relationship models of what relationships should look like. Partnering intentionally is a privilege that has only fully formed in the last few generations. So how did we get it stuck in our heads so fast that they could only be this one way? Oh right, Hollywood and media... the fairytale.
Being gay used to mean something special. There were no social rules on what our relationships had to look like because we were already taboo! But in the fight for equality, we lost a part of that identity, we forgot that we are different and that this is ok. Not only ok but powerful in forging our own way. And on that journey, we forgot about our diverse family of trans, gender fluid, all the letters of the alphabet, and people of color who have fought alongside us. Once a feeling of acceptance was in reach we quickly slid into what society expects of straight couples in order to be 'happy' and forgot about the rest. This short discussion of my poly experience is a reflection of how I feel we have so strickly and quickly adapted to that model.
The above are real and very common responses when someone does not read my profile on site A or app B, which very clearly starts with "I am poly", and then is shocked to find out 5 minutes into the conversation I have a partner.
I don't think folks understand how hurtful or dismissive these statements are to other humans' beliefs. Rather than asking what that looks like for you, they jump to "that doesn't match what I think". In my case, you're confusing my choices for an open sexual relationship, or hookup, not an intentional one. Let me note here that I also hold no judgments for this style of relationshiping, it's a healthy model for a lot of folks too!
Poly identified folks identify as all sorts of variations and subscribe to whatever that label means for them. My partners and I don't even identify that strongly with the label as a formal primary vs secondary partner model. But it is a tool to help us explain to the world what we live, or at least open the door for a conversation about what that means for us. For myself, being poly means I believe we all have the capacity to love so much more than what we are taught. Those relationships can be healthy, honest, and open with great communication and respect for yourself and your partners.
None of the reasons you think we don't match are why we don't match. It's not because I'm poly, it's because I don't believe in escalator relationships. If I had a primary partner or were not currently partnered, I still offer the same relationship to you as a person. We'll likely never get married or have a dog or move in together. Those are not off the table in any relationship I have, but for me, they are not a given nor expected. My relationships are focused on what feels good for us as a couple, not what we are raised to think comes in order when falling in love.
Most folks are surprised I also don't want random sex and 'fun' without strings. We are not all that different in many respects despite what you assume my relationship or connections mean to me.
And honestly, I don't want you to talk yourself into trying it with me cuz you like me. In the end, you will still most likely decide you want your model of relationship and will ultimately waste both of our time. I'll enjoy all the magical memories we are making while you'll be in torture the whole time trying to make it work for you fearing the future rather than just enjoying all of it for what it is in the moment.
All of my relationships have the potential to grow and shrink with us as humans and that is what I believe is part of natural love and connection. I would rather have an intentional relationship just as 'real' as any you want, but mine is limitless. Not defined by a box by society with very formal expectations of what a relationship must and must not be to make you happy. Let's lay it out here, I don't believe a relationship inherently makes you happy or fills the void you may be feeling without it. True contentment comes from acceptance of our own selves, and we would all be a better partner if we would work on being our best selves first and foremost.
If your relationship model is more traditional I'm tired of you complaining you'll never find someone who believes the same. For how many times I've had this exact conversation with folks who aren't interested in what I offer there are plenty more out there still wanting what you want than what I want.
More often than not I don't have this conversation with you. I believe the best model I can live for my relationship beliefs is by just living them and making those who are open to it feel welcome in my journey with honesty and love. I am not going to try to convince you that my way is better (because it isn't, it is just what works best for me), in the end, you have to come to those conclusions on your own. You may end up in a loveless marriage that you just have to make work, or your partner gets sick and you are no longer able to have sex, or you just realize after 10 years that one single person may not be able to live up to your expectations that they must fulfill all your needs.
Either way, I wish you happiness and love in the world and hope that you find what you are looking for. I have no qualms with your relationship model as long as it is intentional and you have questioned the heteronormative model we've all grown up with for yourself. And I vow to try to never make you feel bad about that choice or say off-handed comments that belittle your happiness in that life when it doesn't align with my beliefs. I hope the next time someone says they are poly you are interested enough to ask more instead of instantly rejecting them. You never know, you may find a relationship you didn't even know you were looking for 💙
I wish I could just have fun and be happy with good sex with someone and no strings but it just doesn’t work for me. It saddens me because I want to know you more intimately but I know I’ll end up unhappy in the end.
I don’t want to settle for being someone's second fella.
Hmm, not sure I am into a sidepiece situation. I am more of a full meal deal.
The above are real and very common responses when someone does not read my profile on site A or app B, which very clearly starts with "I am poly", and then is shocked to find out 5 minutes into the conversation I have a partner.
I don't think folks understand how hurtful or dismissive these statements are to other humans' beliefs. Rather than asking what that looks like for you, they jump to "that doesn't match what I think". In my case, you're confusing my choices for an open sexual relationship, or hookup, not an intentional one. Let me note here that I also hold no judgments for this style of relationshiping, it's a healthy model for a lot of folks too!
Poly identified folks identify as all sorts of variations and subscribe to whatever that label means for them. My partners and I don't even identify that strongly with the label as a formal primary vs secondary partner model. But it is a tool to help us explain to the world what we live, or at least open the door for a conversation about what that means for us. For myself, being poly means I believe we all have the capacity to love so much more than what we are taught. Those relationships can be healthy, honest, and open with great communication and respect for yourself and your partners.
None of the reasons you think we don't match are why we don't match. It's not because I'm poly, it's because I don't believe in escalator relationships. If I had a primary partner or were not currently partnered, I still offer the same relationship to you as a person. We'll likely never get married or have a dog or move in together. Those are not off the table in any relationship I have, but for me, they are not a given nor expected. My relationships are focused on what feels good for us as a couple, not what we are raised to think comes in order when falling in love.
Most folks are surprised I also don't want random sex and 'fun' without strings. We are not all that different in many respects despite what you assume my relationship or connections mean to me.
And honestly, I don't want you to talk yourself into trying it with me cuz you like me. In the end, you will still most likely decide you want your model of relationship and will ultimately waste both of our time. I'll enjoy all the magical memories we are making while you'll be in torture the whole time trying to make it work for you fearing the future rather than just enjoying all of it for what it is in the moment.
All of my relationships have the potential to grow and shrink with us as humans and that is what I believe is part of natural love and connection. I would rather have an intentional relationship just as 'real' as any you want, but mine is limitless. Not defined by a box by society with very formal expectations of what a relationship must and must not be to make you happy. Let's lay it out here, I don't believe a relationship inherently makes you happy or fills the void you may be feeling without it. True contentment comes from acceptance of our own selves, and we would all be a better partner if we would work on being our best selves first and foremost.
If your relationship model is more traditional I'm tired of you complaining you'll never find someone who believes the same. For how many times I've had this exact conversation with folks who aren't interested in what I offer there are plenty more out there still wanting what you want than what I want.
More often than not I don't have this conversation with you. I believe the best model I can live for my relationship beliefs is by just living them and making those who are open to it feel welcome in my journey with honesty and love. I am not going to try to convince you that my way is better (because it isn't, it is just what works best for me), in the end, you have to come to those conclusions on your own. You may end up in a loveless marriage that you just have to make work, or your partner gets sick and you are no longer able to have sex, or you just realize after 10 years that one single person may not be able to live up to your expectations that they must fulfill all your needs.
Either way, I wish you happiness and love in the world and hope that you find what you are looking for. I have no qualms with your relationship model as long as it is intentional and you have questioned the heteronormative model we've all grown up with for yourself. And I vow to try to never make you feel bad about that choice or say off-handed comments that belittle your happiness in that life when it doesn't align with my beliefs. I hope the next time someone says they are poly you are interested enough to ask more instead of instantly rejecting them. You never know, you may find a relationship you didn't even know you were looking for 💙
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