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How becoming a coder... is

I started this road a few years back, and now I find myself in the crazy throws of constant stress and worry about if I'm making the right choice...
Here's the thing, it doesn't really matter.  I'm a resourceful and talented "young" man (not in the coding world) who will figure it out one way or another.  Maybe that means I don't succeed at a code school boot camp.  I would really like to think that I certainly can.  But here's what's important, we try, we grow.  Even in the thick of it I find my mind is expanding.  My wiring is changing and I'm becoming someone who understands a little bit about a part of the world that I had NO idea about before.  

My situation is that my financial life and my personal life have not had too terribly many conflicts over the years.  I have never made a ton of money, nor have I ever needed a ton of money.  Now sure it would be nice now and then to have been able to have more "means" to do some things, but that's not really necessity now is it.  Rhetorical question in this instance.  I know we all have different definitions of needs vs. wants.  Spend some time living in 1st and 2nd world countries and it's easier to remind yourself that these things are mostly wants.  However, probably like most 30 somethings who enjoyed their 20's I find myself a part of a generation that is not fiscally set up to succeed or even really retire.  The chances our parents and grandparents had to afford a quality life on a normal job have disappeared.  They worked very hard for what they had but it was a different time when hard work could ACTually give you and your family a comfortable life.  I find myself with aging parents, a mortgage in a barely affordable city and little savings to show for the nearly 2 decades I've already been working.  

I think trying a new career path in your 30's you have a different respect for the process, the dedication it takes and the potential of those efforts.  I by no means feel I have the wisdom of some of my favored mentors in their 40's, 50's and beyond retirement but I think I have begun to understand the importance of that somewhat older outlook of "So what are you going to be when you grow up?" antic.  You know what?, I still don't know, but what 10 years ago me would have thought was selling out current me seems to realize that working 60 hours per week for not a lot of money leaves you with no life to enjoy even with the ok amount you may be making.  32 to 40 hours of work a week with an income to afford enjoyment of those hours not working starts to seem pretty appealing.  And I've done some pretty crappy work for 60 hours a week let me tell you.  What if I do something that is challenging to me for hopefully a company that is engaging and invests in my future and happiness as an employee too?  I don't have to LOVE that job, but if I like it I think I'm actually kind of winning.  Because at a point you realize that those hours are not wasted if they are fewer. They are a way to make it in a world that is not going to watch out for us.  

So many of us aren't having kids, we're living our lives.  We're not assuming like the generation before us that someone will be there at the end to take care of us.  Straight, gay, trans, poly, communal living, owning homes with friends, investing in startups etc, it's all a new world without solid lines or boxes you have to fit in, with that comes a new future, a more ambiguous future.  A less secure future.  So let's try learning skills that might get us somewhere.  Learn carpentry, learn chemistry, take the time to enjoy and know how to be smart about survival in the wild, take courses in coding and engineering and building blocks of so much of our world as a society and our humanity.  Step away from social media and learn social psychology, learn to connect with other people!  Become a better person, and not for the sake of all humanity, but for you.  You being a better human means you will infect others with a sense of humanity.

So again... I find myself here in the early to middle stages of a program that has so much promise with an amazing support network to try to help me survive it.  I remind myself that the stress I feel and frustration and successes are all just a tool to learn and grow into a better well rounded human.  I DO certainly hope this pays off in something tangible in the future.  But the struggle is such a small part of the bigger journey.  These things usually calm any anxiety about the process.  I feel I have learned in my 30's to sometimes separate anxiety and stress.  Stress is a natural thing of course but anxiety is our reaction and absorption of that stress.  We're only human after all, give yourself a break!  Try hard, try real hard, like harder than you've tried at anything maybe ever, but in the end you still need to stop and take that photo of the beautiful sunset on your bike commute home or send out an "I love you" text to someone you care about even if you don't have the time to respond to any other text today.  Breath, get rest, eat well and do your best with your waking hours.

I may never be the best coder, but if I can be a good coder and an amazing human being I think I'm doing alright.

Happy boot camping to anyone else out there in this crazy journey or any other.  I wanted to take 10 to remind myself and others, you're not alone and it's a pretty amazing thing we're trying to do here.

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